Posts Tagged ‘Absolut’

Dave’s New Addition

January 14, 2010

2010 Red Jeep Wrangler

Word comes from my bodyguard Dave that he’s gone out and bought a Flame Red 2010 Jeep Wrangler for his wife, mindless, whipped hubby-drone that he is.

I don’t mean to demean the guy, as we all know he’s a family man first and foremost and does a fairly decent job of balancing his duties here and taking care of the Queen and the Princess at home. I fully admit, as well, that I don’t make it easy as I compete for his attention and time with that woman. She’s tough, too. A Dorchester kid (I guess that means something down there in Massachusetts, I don’t fucking know), she’s streetwise and has some finely honed close combat skills. The few times we’ve gotten in each other faces I had the same sort of sensation as when you’re jabbing a pointed stick into a wolverine’s nest. Prepare to protect your vitals.

So, yeah, there are confilcts. I call up the house at last night, “Dave! Someone just sent me two tickets to Saturday’s Nuclear Cowboyz show! Grab a case of duster and meet me outiside the Garden!”

I hear “Uhhmm…” and something in groggily in the backround about Ginsu knives and testicles I know damn well I’ll be partying with Dirty Shelley the Oil Change Girl from Aldo’s Auto Repair again.

But, hey, I understand. I hear the pain in the man’s voice when he says, “Kendude…it’s 3:30 in the morning…” I know he wishes he had the kind of freedom I do sometimes to just do what he wants, to go and rip shit up at the drop of the hat. Grab a bottle of Absolut, a beat up old pick-up truck, some fireworks and a machete and drive screaming into the night for parts unknown. I know. I see some of the gray hair from all the responsibilities that come along with a family, a house, two cars and a shit mess of cats. I get it and, y’know, I can respect that.

Let’s be honest, Dave has accomlished something that I never could. The stability and comfort of a happy, well run home where a young kid can grow up with a sense of security and love. No east task in this fucked-up mess of a world we’ve created for ourselves, so kudos to guy for that.

Still.

Motocross, dude. Mo-to-cross.

Anyway, he tells me her Highness is quite happy with the Wrangler, that, with 4-wheel drive and those over-sized tires it’s about as good a vehicle in the snow as you’re going to get and, given the outdoor lifestyle they sometimes like to lead, it’s the perfect vehicle for some of their Northern Adventures. Then, in the summer, the top comes off and the music gets turned up loud and it’s all wind and sun.

Jesus, when he puts it like that, if it doesn’t sound good. Looks like they still manage to have some pretty fun times despite all the day to day grind and what not. Go figure.

Nice job, Dave. Now don’t forget to stop by Munitions Depot on your way up here on Monday for that case of black powder and copper piping I ordered.

Dirty Shelley should be gone by then and we got work to do.

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Show Us Your V

April 30, 2009

The 14th Annual Ken Socrates “Show Us Your Empty Vodka Bottle” Contest is under way and the first few entries have arrived, forwarded to me by Stig Marmoset who’s job it is too screen out the really sick stuff. Those ones he keeps for himself and, he tells me, will someday be featured on a future pay-site of his called Abusinginanimateobjects.com.

Here are the folks first out of the gate which, considering the contest actually started in March, shows us that your basic Ken Socrates/Vodka enthusiast isn’t usually all that familiar with the term “motivation”.


Mishii & Takeshi

From Japan, where they still call me Kenny Sock-San!, we see the founders of the recently disbanded Kenny Sock-San Fan Club, Mishii Jojima and Takeshi Ota posing at a Kyoto bus station where they were obviously too drunk to notice that the man they had asked to snap this novelty photo of them was actually Japan’s notorious Bus Molester, something they would both later regret. Also, we can once again see first hand just how utterly goddamn funny those Japanese really are.


T.J. Crenshaw

A lot of you will recognize Vermont’s own T.J. Crenshaw, winner of last year’s awkwardly titled How Far Will You Go To Prove Your Ken Crush? sweepstakes. In fact, T.J. has entered every single contest we’ve held at the KSWNO since 1997, many of them multiple times under various alias’. So just for the record T.J., not only is that entry showing you in an, ahem, a compromised position with that Stoli bottle been ruled morally inappropriate for the contest but wearing an afro wig and calling yourself Jon Remery isn’t really fooling anyone. Thanks for the interest, though.


Carla & Heather

Carla Mitropoulos and Heather Shale, both bartenders at a local sports pub called Beaters, are some of my favorite admirers and not just because of their positive outlook on life and fondness for nude beaches. No, when a man spends his days deeply submerged in profound intellectual pursuits, wrestling with savage spritual demons, burning with the fevers or pure, unrestrained creativity, he sometimes needs a soft, understanding bosom to cradle his world weary head. When the burden becomes too much for me, Carla and Heather are the ones I call because they understand me. Plus, they’re always up for shots.


Brenda & Trisha

Now these two look like fun. Baltimore natives Brenda Cleggland and Trisha DeGauss claim they don’t drink to get drunk but “it seems to happen everytime, anyway”. An inseperable pair of gal pals who’ve come to be known as The Sirens of Last Call, their unusual entry in the contest contained a marriage proposal for Stig and an inquiry as to whether he had any “burly cousins”. Word on the street is they were both charter members of Maryland’s first female fight club.

So those are the first entries but hopefully not the last. There’s lots of time to enter as the contest runs until whatever time it is I finally get sick of seeing this shit. So get drinkin’.

Send all enties to: stig@kensocrates.com

Cheers!