Brian Dennehy: How To Talk To Chicks

brian dennehy

    You’re not Brian Dennehy. You never could be. But if you listen,
    really listen, you just might find out what makes Brian Dennehy the
    giant chunk of man mojo that he is. Then you, too, could talk to chicks.

“Chicks. You dig ’em. I dig ’em. We all dig ’em. But sometimes it ain’t that easy just walking up to them and jumping into a conversation, is it? At least, if you’re not me, Brian Dennehy, that is. You get nervous, you fumble over what to say. The paranoia that you’ve got some spinach or a chunk of red pepper in your teeth sets in fast and makes you sweat. It makes you look greasy, stupid and pretty goddamn unattractive. Chicks run the other way when you pull out that act and, christ, who can blame them? You think they’re looking for some retarded mama’s boy to bring back to the love nest for an endless night of steamy, wild-animal bootie slapping?

“On the other hand, you can’t just walk right up to ’em and say, “I wanna freak you on the pool table, candy pants.” At least if you’re not, like I said, me, Brian Dennehy. So where’s the middle gound? How do you approach and lure some hot snatch back to your den and turn that guy-pad from pathetic, lonely batchelor purgatory into Humptown, USA? And better yet, how do you do it with style. The kind of smooth, panther-sleek panache that says, ‘Hey, babe. There’s a reason that they call me Magma Loins’, without sounding like the desperate pile of sex starved man-boy that you really are.

“Well, that’s where Brian Dennehy comes in, men. Listen to what I have to say and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to walk like a man for a change. The kind of man that has the quiet confidence that says, ‘I can get this porpoise polished any time I snap my nimble yet manly fingers.’

“First thing you need to understand is you gotta know your prey. In this case, chicks. Chicks may seem complicated at first but, believe me, there’s really not that much there when you get right down to it. All they really want out of life is a good episode of Desperate Housewives, some chocolate ice cream and constant express deliveries from the man-love freight train. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you can’t respect chicks. They can be as dangerous as any guy when they snap and let’s not forget how edgy they get at least once a month. No, if you go in without a healthy fear of your prey and you end up waking up in the morning with half a salami courtesy of yet another unpredictable dame with a nice Ginsu collection.

“Next thing you need to understand is pretty simple, men. You need to understand yourself. I’m not talking some namby pamby, hippie psycho-babble about “finding yourself” or your “inner child” or any of that kind of squishy, emotional puppy crap. I mean, you need to undertand that you’re a man. A real man, hard, tough, sure of yourself, standing tall. When you can reach down and unearth that primal man-pride that lies within you, you’ll start to feel a level of confidence that will straighten you right out. You’ll be able walk with a certain swagger, squint into the face of danger with a grim, self-assured half-smile that says, ‘Take your best shot. This here’s a man you’re lookin’ at.’

“Which is exactly what chicks want.

“A lot of guys make the mistake of thinking that chicks dig a guy who’s sensative, that they can talk to and will pretend to listen to them and be interested in their pointless gossip. All wrong, bub. What chicks want is a guy who’s not afraid to tell them where and when to greet him in that french maid outfit replete with handy feather duster. A guy who’s not afraid to walk up and take them from behind while they’re cleaning the oven. A guy they know can handle it, and I mean handle it, when they invite over their hot girlfriends for long nights of three or four way action that leaves all parties involved satisfied and panting for more. A guy like Brian Dennehy.

“When you understand these things, talking to chicks is easy. In fact, it’s absolutley second nature because you’re doing nothing more than sidling up them at the bar with your Cohiba and your Maker’s Mark on the rocks and just being the laid back, swanky slice of cock-sure manliness that you know you are. Chicks will fall at your feet and beg for a ride on the orgasmo-rocket of hot, stinky love.

And you’ll have Brian Dennehy to thank for it, brother.”

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One Response to “Brian Dennehy: How To Talk To Chicks”

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