Ken Quotes


Sometimes, out of boredom or vanity, of even purely by accident, I revisit some of my earlier writings. I often think the same thought whilst perusing.

“I can’t believe I wrote this shit.”

The marriage was consummated in an aggressively confrontational manner over a period of several days in Hildy’s cabin. During the night she would ride Ken like a mechanichal bull while, during daytime hours, his head was chained to a wood stove with a bicycle lock while she left on training exercises. She proclaimed her undying devotion to him in an elaborate ventriliquist’s performance after which she enacted a bizarre menage-a-trois involving herself, Ken and the dummy, heedless of her husband’s incessant weeping. This was more than enough to break the spirit an already weakened man and Ken found himself slipping into a profound dementia, drooling and constantly mumbling that he’d “gone to Fantasy Island…” and he wasn’t coming back. For a time he would only answer to the name Vee-Garr and would eat nothing but oyster crackers. To Hildy, it was the honeymoon she had always imagined and she spent her days in a state of unbalanced bliss.

I still sometimes accidentally sign a check “Vee-Garr” once in a while.

Host Ned Beatty wonders why the fairer sex would even want to be involved in a game the sole point of which is to inflict mind numbing agony to an individual’s scrotal sack and it’s precious contents. “Do they have any idea what being in the game entails? The price that is paid? Do they want to walk around all day with swollen, throbbing testicles? Listen, I’m sure childbirth is an uncomfortable, even unpleasant sensation. Whatever. Trust me, though, it’s the minor leagues compared to the feeling of the white hot supernova exploding from your crotch to your brain when one of these animals lands a shot on your boys.”

Ned Beatty. Always an enthusiastic quote.

The mourning has begun here at the Ken Socrates World News Organization as we remember seventeen fallen comrades who lost their lives when the school bus transporting them to the annual Socrates Booze ‘n’ Badminton Bonanza veered off the highway and flipped down an embankment in Limerick, Maine. Investigators on the scene report that speed was most definately a factor in the crash and that, although seventeen fatalities were reported, one individual was assuredly dead hours before the incident, most likely due to alcohol poisoning. The vehicle’s driver, one Bill “Leadfoot” Castillo, 84, possessed a spotless driving record, although many would point to the fact that this was because he was never actually allowed a valid driver’s license due to various mental, visual and auditory impairments. To us, however, he was a man who surmounted massive disabilities to become a valuable member of our team and remained so right up to his final, screamingly horrific moments on earth.

R.I.P. forever, Bill, you crazy old fucker.


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3 Responses to “Ken Quotes”

  1. nocandyasses Says:

    You are a primal motherfucker Ken. PRIMAL. Must be why I like you so much. I sometimes wish I’d followed my dream of becoming a psychoanalyst. I could’ve made a fortune off of you. Probably would have died young of multiple brain hemorrhages, but what the hell.

  2. Ken Socrates Says:

    You would have if you’d been on that bus with Bill, that’s for sure.

    But then the planet would never have had the benefit of the seeing you hold the Guinness World Records title for “World’s Sweatiest Human”. Of course, there were a couple thousand kids and families at Animal Kingdom in Orlando that August afternoon when you officially set the record who probably wish they never saw it happen.

    Anyway, guys like us are primal, I agree. Many and Sunday afternoon we proved it, sitting around watching the game, slugging some Chivas and picking bugs out of each other’s fur.

  3. Hanamero Says:

    Review by Steven Stewart for Rating: I remember senieg the original Toy Story when I was just 9 years old when life was so much simpler and the adventure of Toy Story provided some welcome entertainment. 15 years later and we now have Toy Story 3; life is a lot more complicated, but Toy Story 3 isn’t just casual entertainment, it becomes a welcome escapism reminiscent of a childhood long gone. There was no doubt whatsoever that this film would be a success as the franchise had built up quite a following. Every adults inner child would have been screaming incessantly as soon as it heard the announcement that there would be a third Toy Story. I know I was excited from the moment I saw the teaser for the film and wanted to know more and more every day as to where they would take the story next.Andy (John Morris) is now 17 years old and preparing to go to college. Almost all Andy’s old toys have already been either thrown away in the trash or donated, all the toys that are left are Buzz (Tim Allen), Woody (Tom Hanks), Jessie (Joan Cusack), Bullseye, Slinky Dog (Blake Clark), Mr Mrs. Potato Head (Don Rickles Estelle Harris), Hamm (John Ratzenberger), Rex (Wallace Shawn) and the Green Aliens (Jeff Pidgeon). They are worried about what will happen to them when Andy goes to college, will they be thrown in the trash, left in the attic or will Andy take them with him. The third option being the most unlikely. When Andy is packing his stuff, the toys find themselves ending up in Sunnyside day care centre, which seems like heaven to them all. Run by Lotso (Ned Beaty), what seems to be a heaven for toys turns out to be somewhat of a hell for the old gang and they have to find a way back home before Andy goes to college.I’m a massive fan of the original movies as these are something I’ve literally grown up with. The bits of adult type humour I didn’t really get when I watched the films when I was younger, I enjoy watching again and getting new and more fruitful laughs. Toy Story 2 was shown on TV a few weeks ago and it was a genuine pleasure to watch something I had not watched for a number of years and still managing to be able to enjoy the humour and the message to pass onto the kids about friendship and loyalty. The message was strong then, and it’s good to know that the message hasn’t been lost in the 11 year gap leading to Toy Story 3, and is actually even stronger. The characters that were left are tied together, stronger than ever by the fact that it’s only them left and they do not want to be split up, but in fact if they can’t stay with Andy, they want a new home where they will be played with every day.The animation has seen a significant upgrade in almost every department. Lee Unkrich has commented that when approaching the animation for this movie, the makers have not approached it in the mind that it must look the same as the last two instalments. They animators approached it with the mind of making Toy Story 3 look how they would have wanted the originals to look, had the technology been as advanced as it is now. There’s definitely an upgrade in look and feel of the characters and the atmosphere of the whole thing, especially with the human characters as it makes their story a lot more believable, and allows the viewer to invest more emotion into the story.The characters both new and old are excellent and create some hilarious moments. Possibly the best addition to the Toy Story cast was Barbie’s male counterpart, Ken who’s as camp and image obsessed as you would possibly imagine him to be. Lotso, the villain of the film was quite the typical villain you would expect. A mob boss of sorts in the setting of the day care centre, he’s a toy that was lost and replaced as a youngster who feels bitter and angry towards the humans and the toys that play with them. Although I understood why Lotso was the character he was, I never really understood why he was so hell bent on keeping the toys locked up in the day care centre. Perhaps that was just a negative symptom of me not paying much attention to that part of the story.Overall, however, the film was truly splendid from start to finish. The characters were both as enjoyable and lovable as I remember them and it contained some truly hearty laughs, my personal favourite was the Spanish Buzz Lightyear trying to win Jessie’s heart. I would highly recommend this to anyone still in touch with their inner child, or someone looking to introduce these characters to a new generation as it’s promising entertainment for the entire family.

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