Smart Phone, Dumb User


iphone 4

So I recently broke down and invested in an iPhone. The time had come. Even though I hardly ever leave the bunker these days, I figured I needed to be prepared for all eventualities. You just never know when your land might be revealed to be an ancient native burial ground and the trees start reaching in the windows to grab you out of your bed. Or from the floor where you happened to pass out. Or the back lawn, shotgun in hand, naked except for a soiled pair of Fantastic Four boxer shorts. Wherever it is you sleep.

Bottom line, you never know when you might have to hit the road in a hurry. No one knows that better than me. Psychotic ex-wives, enemies amongst every secret society on earth and a $15,475 dollar balance on your Amazon credit card are the sort of things you that might cause you to want to go mobile post haste.

Thus, I now have that ability.

Sure, I’ve gone into hiding before. But each time there was a small amount of guilt about my inability, while missing, to stay in touch with my tiny, yet viciously dedicated audience. Yes, it’s true that guilt was easily washed away with various substances and the odd Polynesian prostitute but it would come back quickly whenever I sobered up. So, yeah, every few months or so I would feel bad.

Now, that’s all been solved. Shiny new technology has taken care of the issue. We shall never be parted again.

Some thoughts on this happy little device:

  • Apps are fascinating little things, are they not? I’ll admit to not being entirely impressed with the game selection. A lot of stuff looks like games you find in the $9.99 PC games section at Office Max. Stuff that looked good on Windows 98. Old role-playing games. Countless “free” MMORPG’s and the supposedly cute flash style games featuring brids, penguins and the odd pumpkin. Angry Birds is addictive, I admit, but annoyingly so. You end up wanting to kill the smiling pigs with the helmets and i think I actually said “Fuck you and your mustache, pig!” at least once. Good thing I wasn’t at a traffic stop when it happened is all I can say.
  • The things aren’t made for Man Hands. Texting becomes a bit of a crap shoot as the auto-correct feature turns my constant misspellings into what seem like bad subtitles from japanese monster movies. The term “canker” was recently sent in a business text which was certainly confusing the recipient. I just sent “ham” instead of human. People used to my normal typos are even more perplexed than usual of late. really, you need fingers the size and shape of knitting needles to operate the thing effectively.
  • Otherwise, it’s a pretty handy tool. Custom ring tones can be easily made. I answer right now to Hood’s “The Negatives” but TWG’s “Shut That Door” and MBV’s “Only Shallow” are readily available. Messaging is brilliantly easy. I’m in touch with every science and sports site I like. Twitter is more accessible and I have actually been more active than the twice a year I had been before. Like I said, it keeps me more in touch with folks. Good and bad for someone so naturally anti-social but so be it. It’s a new age.
  • In the end, it’s a new toy for sure but one with a lot more functionality than others, one that I can see will be extremely useful as long as it doesn’t end up at the bottom of Frank Black’s swimming pool like my last phone.

    Note to self: Make sure there’s nothing important in your pockets when you’re standing near a pool and Kim Deal is in a bad mood.


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    3 Responses to “Smart Phone, Dumb User”

    1. Roy Says:

      Everybody knows that Fantastic Four boxers are for days when you won’t soil them, like on Sunday when going to church.

    2. Roy Says:

      I prefer my Polynesian prostitutes to be normal and not odd.

    3. Ken Socrates Says:

      You wear your FF boxers to church?

      I prefer sporting my Devil Dinosaur angry red thong.

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