Man-Beast Loose in Mass


Apparently there is a hairy, out of control cro-magnon man living and shitting in my neck of the woods. Closer to where my bodyguard Dave lives, to be fair, but it is still disconcerting to know that there is but a short car ride between myself and a wildly defecating primitive man-beast rampaging through the forest with a goddamned seven pound club knocking three times on trees and then disappearing.

As reported by the BFRO.

The witness submitted two photographs of the large fecal pile that he found on the trail the following day. The largest fecal piece was tubular, smooth from end to end and approximately 8 inches in length. The interior of the feces revealed numerous thin white hairs scattered throughout.

I mean, that’s some scary shit right there.


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4 Responses to “Man-Beast Loose in Mass”

  1. Ozzy McGurt Says:

    So are you saying I should let you know the next time I decide to take a short vacation in New England? You’ve been so paranoid lately I thought it was best if I came incognito.

  2. Horatio Von Darkfaulker Says:

    Hmmm. There may indeed be more to this than meets the casual-eye to the metaphysical layman, Socrates: disappearing primates, episodes of late-night tree-whacking, long tubes of smelly poop with white hairs in the middle …I have a hunch. It’s just a hunch, mind you, and I’m hoping you have procured samples of poo for me to study… But tell me, have any neighborhood pets gone missing of late? Do the larger dogs in your neighborhood look afraid when one approaches them from their backside?

    And you, Ozzy; having been in the area, have you noticed any shadowy, hulking presences stalking in the wake of your path? Have you lately met any…large, hairy females in the dim light of local pubs after having consumed the nightly case of Milwaukie’s Beast? I believe you both are in eminent peril from the supernatural and you should likely be panicking like hell. I know I would… But don’t! Not even if you find yourselves being mysteriously groped and fondled in the night; just go along with it for now…

    Trust me; chances are, this particular threat cannot read or access messages sent over the internet, and I have a plan… hold tight, the both of you, no matter how scary things get, and pretend like we have never spoken.

    I’ll be there, my friends. Wrath in the night, when you least expect, etc, etc.

  3. Ozzy McGurt Says:

    Christ Darkfaulker!! When was the last time you had your eyes checked? The only shadowy hulking figure to be found near me would be my own shadow. When you’re 6’6″ and nearly 400 lbs., large hairy women are about the only thing that will come near you in dimly lit pubs.

  4. Ken Socrates Says:

    But the fun of that is you don’t know just how hairy they really are until it’s too late. I mean, you knew they were large by the amount of space they took up at the bar (needing two entire stools for support) but it’s not until the light of day next morning that you can see you’ve just hooked up with someone who has a bush the size of the Jungles of Ranomafana.

    Not that it’s a bad thing if you’re into jungle exploration and what not.

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