At some point I need to do a lengthy expose on the Ken Socrates household phenomena that is Mantracker. I guess a new season debuted last night and I missed it, which annoys me.

Maybe you know the show, maybe not. It’s shown from time to time here in the U.S. on the Science Channel (I guess it’s the science being mantracking…?) and it features this gruff, horse riding throwback character who looks and acts exactly like he just walked off the set of Lonesome Dove. The thing is, he’s for real. Obviously. This guy is fucking serious, he lives that life, he’s about as genuine as it gets. This is not a dude you’d fuck with.

So each week they get a team of two people from various different walks of life and set them loose for two days in a different remote location in the Canadian wilderness (the show is filmed and broadcast originally north of the border) and the game is that these folks have to get to a certain location some miles distant within 36 hours while trying to avoid Mantracker, who’s a trained specialist in hunting down fugitives. They are on foot and have a head start and have a map to their destination. He is on horseback and has a local guide to assist him.

It gets wild and wooly, I tell you, and it’s nearly impossible to stop watching once you’ve tuned in to an episode. You want to see what happens. He uses his a near forensic approach to tracking, noticing the most minute broken branch, overturned rock or half-footprint, to determine where they’re going and try to intercept them while they skulk through thickets of underbrush to try and avoid him. It all usually ends in a furious chase and, depending on the personality of the “prey”, you often find yourself rooting for Mantracker to run them bitches to ground.

The contestants and he, I swear to you, take it seriously. I’ve seen people break down crying and screaming at being caught and they’re always scared out of their minds when he and that big horse come galloping around a turn hot on their trail. I’ve seen hims pissed off as hell, too, at some stunt someone tried to get under his skin. They both want to win badly.

It’s thrilling shit, I tell you, and, as someone who’s spent time in both postitions of Hunter and Prey, I find it fascinating. Of course, I want to be on the show desperately. Pit the Ken Socrates Mountain Guerilla Training against him, maybe some Deep Woods Mindfuck tactics, and see who wins. A match for the ages, I’m sure you’d agree.

If you think it’s your thing, give it a look. If you’re already watching, then you know what I mean.

Beacuse you’re caught, bitch!


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5 Responses to “Mantracker”

  1. Horatio VonDarkfaulker Says:

    Indeed Ken.

    Being a stalwart Laser Tag enthusiast who’s watched Arnold Schwarzenegger defeat the Predator enough times to memorize every move, as well as being a veritable Master at the art of Farting Tree Ventriloquism, (it’s hard to find a man when every tree you encounter vigorously farts and has a few choice remarks about your mother,) I have no doubt you would prove a formidable contestant on such a show.

    Personally, if I wished to avoid a Hunter like this guy, my first order of business would be NOT allowing a camera crew to follow me around in the woods, (much less a studio audience.)

    I didn’t go for that crap when Dog tried to get me on his show, and I wouldn’t go for it this time around, either.

    Still, sounds like a cool show. If you ever make an appearance, believe me, I’d be in the studio audience watching every twist and turn.

    I love it when trees fart; cool trick!

    -This is Horatio signing out

  2. Cullen Says:

    I haven’t yet seen this show, but I’m with Horatio. Apparently these people being chased are not covering themselves with enough mud. Who could track that? Not even the Predator, bitches.

  3. Ken Socrates Says:

    Well, you know I’ll need a partner when I get on the show. You two are the top candidates, as far as I’m concerned. Impress me with your woodland instincts so I can try to make a decision here.

    Or I could give you guys a broken pool cue and let you make the choice for me.

  4. Cullen Says:

    Well, I was in the Army so …

    HELL NO! I had enough of that shit.

  5. Horatio VonDarkfaulker Says:

    Personally, I’d rather track the Man Tracker with the intent of shooting the rascal with a tranquilizer dart so I can collar him and chart his migrations.

    And pee on him while he’s unconscious.

    It’s part of the Darkfaulker code.

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