I need to stop turning these things into online novellas. I shudder at times to think of the time I’m wasting on what is the most humiliating hour of television the week has to offer this side of Jay Leno’s Self-Immolation & Variety Hour. Its just such sick, depraved fun, though. I’ll see if I can’t make this one brief for all our sakes.
After a quick trip down Sizemore Memory Lane where we finally see Tom return to the program in a state of Supernova Fucked Uppedness and begin 48 hours of “sleeping it off” we get treated some brief tantalizing tidbits from the McKenzie Phillips Lifetime Special, “Father Knows Incest Best”. The worst of it isn’t that Phillips isn’t telling all to her program pals when she hints at the dee-fucking-mented relationship she and her dad shared, it’s that Dr. Drew feels the need to highlight it all with cheesy voice overs.
Okay, Pinsky. Alright. We’ve seen Inside Edition. We’ve walked through a supermarket check-out aisle. We know the tale. I know it burns your ass that you couldn’t get into this crap with her during the show and, in turn, set your ratings on fire. I guess making sure we’re reminded of it at every turn is the next best thing.
Anyway, the episode quickly turns into the Joey Kovar Roid Rage Experiment.
Y’know, why try to rehab anyone from an MTV reality show? What’s the point? Aren’t they more entertaining on drugs than off? Take this steroid abusing mouthbreather here, for example. In celebrity terms, a complete nobody, dumb as a spare tire and with all the personality of a warthog with a brain injury. We get to hear, for example, a conversation with his beloved pregnant girlfriend who’s politely asking him about money and his repsonse, essentially, is “Get a job, bitch!”
He’s just that sweet.
Now, all pissed of because the future mother of his child had the audacity to talk about monetary needs, he’s losing it in a simmering state of rage, ready to detonate at a moment’s notice. Dennis Rodman consoles him luckily, telling him (pardon the paraphrasing) “You’re not married. She can’t touch any your money. You can take it straight to your agent and she won’t get shit. You the star, baby.”
It gets worse, however, when, while making a particularly sloppy peanut butter & jelly sandwich, Joey flies into a rage because the camera men are sticking cameras in his face. On a TV show. The overcompensating-for-a-small-penis Jersey Shore Wannabe threatens to kick their asses and what not then sits down to stew and eat his P B & J. All very scary, I assure you.
- Dear Joey,
Get back on drugs, please. There’s no reason not to. No one will ever hire you for anything ever again. Your chick wants all your dough and that snot nosed kid just won’t stop screaming. The second you get released from this chicken shit rehab go out and buy a bag of coke and get back on that horse, buddy. Then find yourself some iron piping and track down a camera man. It’s all good.
The episode meanders from there. Some aggression therapy during which we see Dr. Drew get disturbingly excited while watching Joey smash up a car with a sledgehammer. Does anyone know if he’s straight or not? That look on his face might at least mark a touch of bi-curiousness. Certainly wearing a black visor and safety goggles in public opens up a world of questions about the man, you must agree.
In the end, we see Sizemore awaken from his prolonged slumber looking fresh as a daisy. That was just picked out of an orangutan’s ass, that is. He cuddles sickenly with Heidi, who just naturally looks like an orangutan’s ass. When seen from the inside out.
After that, a bit of a tease, as we get a little preview of the next act in the Circus. Keri-Ann, the outcast renegade douche bag princess kicked out of Pinsky’s Sex Rehab, will be coming to the PRC for drug treatment, likely turning the entire facility upside down with shrill, whining drama and ridiculousness.
Four episodes in and I’m pretty sure I now want drugs more than ever.
Nice work, Doctor.