My least favorite Christmas greeting is, without a doubt, “Have A Safe Holiday.”
What does it mean? I have to admit, I didn’t realize I was in any immediate danger just because there were now brightly colored lights on people’s porches and everyone was buying large quantities of cheap shit to wrap up in shredded trees to give to each other. It’s the trees who are in danger, when you really think about. They’re either being pulped and turned into gaudy wrapping paper or cut down, dried out and propped up in people’s living rooms with they’re lots of shoddy lightwight electical devices strung around them. One minute you’re living a peaceful existence in a pastoral woodland setting, cool autumn air, birds and squirrels, sunshine and quiet. The next you’re a fucking fire hazard next to noisy 51″ big screen that won’t stop playing Jersey Shore.
We’re lucky we don’t have an army of pissed off Ents storming this country each holiday season in revenge for their murdered brethren.
Anyway, I have a few ideas about what “Have A Safe Holiday” must mean in terms of avoiding any holiday mishaps.
They can’t even put you in the ground ’til the thaw.
Merry Christmas, Fuckers!