Farewell and Adieu, My Fair Spanish Lady


Edit: Anyone searching for actual information on this song, please visit here. Thank you.

Today is the day all turkey’s dread most. The Turkey Apocalypse reaches it’s bloody apex as all those folks who really like their birds fresh are out there behind the barn, chopping off heads and pulling feathers. It’s the last day of the carnage, the day where you find out whether your ticket will be punched or you have a temporary reprieve. A stay of execution, at least until the tryptophan wears off and the Two-Legged Eaters awaken from their naps, hungry for more.

It must be someting akin to Robert Shaw’s character in Jaws describing how, when he was in the water after the USS Indianapolis went down and the rescue ship had at last arrived, those last few moment’s waiting to be pulled out of the water were the worst of it all. Are you going to live or are you just another feast for a hungry carnivore?

Can you hear the conversation in the turkey pen, as a grizzled old survivor tells his tale?

“Uncle Jim Bob has got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes at you, he doesn’t seem to be livin’ …”

Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m a meat eater. Big time. I’ll gorge myself on turkey flesh as much as anyone tomorrow and go back for seconds and then gnaw the shit out of a leg or wing like a mangy neighborhood dog ransacking the garbage cans. Guilt free, too.

At the same time I hope that, when the karma bus for the human race arrives, it won’t be in the form of 20 foot tall, intelligent, space-faring Grizzly Bears who decide that celebrating a historical moment in their history will require the yearly, ritualistic consumption of those tasty, carbon based homonids two solar sytems over.

I, for one, am not lookin forward to having an ass full of seasoned bread crumbs as my final epitaph.

Stuff that.


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2 Responses to “Farewell and Adieu, My Fair Spanish Lady”

  1. Joe Hawaii & Gaylord "Ra" Fondue Says:

    “…an ass full of seasoned bread crumbs…” That was my great-grandfather’s final request before they put him in the chair.

  2. Dr. Von Darkfaulker Says:

    As much as I am loathe to admit it, I feel myself, for once, at odds with my friend and compatriot Ken Socrates. When I consider what I might kill and eat if left alone in the wild with no convenience stores from which to gain my sustenance and nourishment, I ask myself, as I would ask you all to ask me, as well as myself:

    Could I, would I cold heartedly kill and eat a cute, harmless bovine, grazing about the fruity plains, minding it’s own damn business for the sake of a fat juicy steak?

    No. I would not.

    Would I maul and devour a deer as it hopes to and fro, blithely nibbling the gentle, verdant, frondy foliages of the wooded wilderness?

    No, I say. I would not.

    A rabbit? A squirrel? A ferret?

    No, no and maybe.

    But I would -By The Gods- kill and eat a no good, low down, fat saucy turkey! And not just because I am hungry and without so much as a store bought Twinkie to satiate my hunger, but on general principle. Turkeys are ugly, mean tempered and fowl. Chickens too. They all have it coming if you ask me. Pluck the cluckers and stuff them to the brim with bread crumbs! And cook their asses good, too!

    And the rest of the time I would eat fish. It’s really good for you, and, for the most part, who would care? It’s just a fish.

    But, of course, all of this is completely hypothetical. There is plenty of dead cow meat at the market, and since the cows are already dead, it would be a shame if they died in vain. May as well have a steak for turkey day. It’s usually a lot juicier and doesn’t make one too tired to swill down all that beer while exercising ones Gods given right as a true American to sit on ones ass all Thanksgiving day and watch football.

    But still I’m going to stuff a turkey’s ass. Just out of spite.

    It’s part of the Darkfaulker Code.

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